If there's no one beside you

"fine. i've never liked you" "that's more like it. i'm glad we're on the same page now."

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 01:29:34 GMT

spending a weekend at college has made me want school to end tomorrow. i can't take it anymore. high school is stupid. i like taking random trips places and sitting around playing board games and going out to movies at 10 o'clock at night. i just really can't wait.

but yea... my weekend. it was great. even though i was sick it was still a good time. i have no voice now but thats ok. friday was fun. saturday was a very long day but it was good. i didnt know dodge ball could be that intense. having a major headache wasnt fun. and scott didnt help with the buzzer to taboo... not cool. getting woken up at 5 in the morning was also not cool. stupid fire alarm! today was relaxing. i can now play guitar hero on medium. im not amazing but its a start! uhh... yea... i dont really feel like going into detail.

the end.

I could be brown. I could be blue. I could be violet sky.

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 02:09:22 GMT

so i've come to the realization that positive thinking is the way to go. my dad read the secret and started thinking positively and me being me, i questioned it. then my mom started reading it so i got it from the both of them. so one day i came home from school and my dad had rented the DVD. so i figured why not watch it. and it all made complete sense to me. so i tried it out... and so far its working! its weird but it really is working.

i just came to say that... the end!

Lost in my mind...

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:38:53 GMT

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

I just want to feel you when the night puts on its cloak.

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 01:19:27 GMT

"Waiting all those years to find out who you were has prepared me for this; a little more waiting will do me no harm."

"Remember, I'm holding the string end, and I won't allow you to disappear into oblivion."

"You are my desire, my longing, my spirit. I love you unconditionally... Do you see that I cherish you beyond question, that you have nothing to prove to me? You are making your journey to secure yourself. I am already tethered to your side. If you can love yourself as I love you there will be no dislocation - you will be whole."

the little gestures in life are what makes the world smile! not even the object itself. just the thought put behind it. the true meaning. thats what truly counts. it brings about the best feelings and nothing else matters!

I'll love you 'till the end.

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 03:41:34 GMT

its funny how arguments with people can trigger so much. one single argument can keep you up for hours feeling physically sick. i guess its kind of a way to know that you really care. its a crappy way of finding that out but. actually you knew you cared... you just didn't know you cared that much.

i don't really know what else i want to say. confusion sucks! i can say that.

ok... i guess i'm done.

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 23:48:10 GMT

i feel lost...

You're part of my soul. You're all that I know. I can't let you go.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 04:16:44 GMT

ok... so here's life so far.

play has ended. it was great fun for the most part. in the end it turned out amazing! yea... i don't have much else to say about it. sucks for you if you didn't see it.

whilst that was going on i had some hard times. not fun whatsoever.

also while play was going on things got better with some people. that makes me happy.

i also like talking to people i haven't talked to in a year. =) though... well nevermind.

break needs to start tomorrow. ok? good.

i need to clear my mind... a lot.

ok... i'm done.

It's hard to say what it is I see in you.

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 04:18:16 GMT

oh life. it's so unexpected...

the football team is going to state. and i missed the game do to two boys talking the entire time to me. greg and dan filled my mind with unwanted thoughts. yet... it was hilarious! and dan falling was priceless!!! so i'm glad that i was sitting with them just to witness that!

it's funny how a simple thing can just make you go insane. insane in a good way, i mean. just a hug can make you feel perfectly... perfect? it makes you all giddy and what-not. a smile is seen on your face that isn't forced. its genuine. and all of the things that went on all day. all the craziness of things being said... coughgreganddancough... it leaves your mind in an instant. its fantastic! amazingly wonderful! and should happen more often!!!

i'm also beginning to not regret things. there are things that i will always regret. but those few things that made me happy... i shouldn't regret those. i did. but i really shouldn't. 'cause then i'm just denying myself the feeling of happiness when i think about it. and you shouldn't do that to yourself. if something makes you happy, hold onto that happiness. even if its only brought by a memory. 'cause those are the best memories. the ones that will make you smile no matter what. they make the worst times vanish.

christmas is coming and my mother and i can't wait to decorate. but we are both sick so we don't feel like decorating. haha yea. nice combination.

family is perfect. seriously. family is the best invention ever!

sleeping on a couch is my reality at the moment. i'd sleep in my own bed but at the moment it is overtaken by clothes and other random things. second reason as to why i'm not sleeping in my own bed is... its cold down there. but i miss my room so i'm thinking i'll clean it soon and move on back down there. 'cause when ryan comes home he isn't too happy that there are dishes and hair ties all over his room. haha

can you tell i'm in a random mood?

i don't have much else to say.

the end to my ranting.

these words explain it all.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 02:42:48 GMT

We could talk if days weren't so fast,
and mistakes just leave it so unsure.
Wanna hold you like never before
'cause we're falling and I love you more and more.

Oh sweet nights.

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 21:07:08 GMT

how did i come to find these people? they are simply amazing and the loves of my life! i don't understand how i, nicole, came to have awesome friends. seriously... if it wasn't for them... my life would suck! I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 02:39:25 GMT

it's been weeks since i've been able to come up with something good to say. i still don't have anything to say really. i just feel like writing. my mind is to cluttered with thoughts to find anything logical or remotely intelligent. i apologize in advance for this being just my thoughts.

i get to visit my brother tomorrow. i'm excited. i get to play video games and maybe watch the volleyball games.

i'm obsessed with music lately. like... i listen to music every day... but i'm like overly i've got to listen to music blah crazy!

i'm also in love with my friends. they make life better... even in the middle of tears.

ahh... i can't think anymore...

take one deep breath in...

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 02:07:40 GMT

and let your mind spill.

i like this quote.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 20:23:50 GMT

No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.

blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 16:56:29 GMT

I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind

[Chorus]
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don't want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I'm on my own

[Chorus]
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove

[Chorus]
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
the way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

why did she have to say his name?! WHY!!!!???!?!??!!

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 03:47:18 GMT

car polling with amy is fun! cuz then i dont have to get rode rage by myself. and i now have someone to talk to when people frustrate me and make me mad and i need to vent to someone.

dinner with friends is also great! it should happen more often. seriously!

people are stupid... and i dont like that.

mmmmmm lake tomorrow... and i dont care that its just going to be me and my parents... its time away from youngstown which is a good thing. time to think and sort out my thoughts... maybe write a little bit... take pictures. stuff thats fun to do when on your own.

i dont feel like typing anymore.

Oh it's what you do to me!

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 02:14:41 GMT

ive had some time to take everything in. ive looked at pictures and read comments from other people. and i honestly dont know how i didnt cry more at camp on the last day. well part of why i was crying is because all of my friends were leaving yet my parents werent even there. but most of it was because... it ended... its gone. we didnt get to perform our last band camp performance. and that sucked!

on the way to camp i was thinking a lot. i basically told myself that i wouldnt care because seriously... whos going to miss that aweful place where you eat one thing at lunch, you use bug spray as perfume, you sweat constantly, you feel like taking a shower every 10 mins, you get like 2 hours of good sleep, and your body aches for days and days afterwards. but on the last night i realized why id care. as i sat on my bed with like 4 other people sitting with me... i realized why id miss it. it was moments like that... where all of us girls are sitting around talking about anything and everything... becoming the friends we were before all over again... and crying and sharing our problems and trying to help each other. those moments are the ones ill miss. to be able to sit with people and just let everything go and not worry about if they will judge you is a great feeling. ill miss sitting out in the middle of the field in a circle talking about life's great questions. ill miss scaring people and singing and playing little kids games. ill miss dancing in the rain and learning how to do new dances. the boys... ill miss them! hahahahahahahaha

theres so much i over looked in my thoughts on the car ride there. i didnt think about how amazing the whole thing really is. i focused on the shitty aspects of it... and not on the stuff that makes it so wonderful. as i wrote my memories on the board everything came rushing back. i began thinking about everything that has ever happened at camp. and i realized that so many great memories have come out of that shithole of a place.

cabin 4... you are all amazing. these past 4 summers in the heat wouldnt have been the same if any of you werent there. we've grown up together... and stayed little kids together. we've conquered the world that is camp together. and if i was asked to go back and change it... i wouldnt. you made the whole experience perfect and ill never forget it. i love you all so much!

to answer his question... i think that deep down the person knows someone is looking at them. they just know who it is too. and that feeling... it makes them look. but i think that that feeling only comes when the person wants to know the other is looking at them. they were hoping it was who they thought it was.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 03:43:27 GMT

i could pour my heart out to the world.
but that wont accomplish anything.

i must say... yesterday was a fun day!

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 18:51:22 GMT

i love being able to drive!!!

yesterday amy and i went shopping for stuff for camp. it was crazy fun!!! we found some good stuff. then we came back to my house and ate dinner. then we went and visited lyssa. scotland has some amazing candy!!!!!!!!!!! the three of us went and got lyssa some popcorn. then we went and visited joshie! who got a kitten and she fell asleep on my lap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is soooooo cute!!!!!!!!!! hahaha we were there for a while. took lyssa home. went to amy's. got hawaiian ice with mr. dravecky. hahaha and then i came home.

it may sound boring... but it wasnt!!!!! haha

the end!

blah!

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 03:34:49 GMT

well... im bored. so im going to tell how lifes been.

i hear the fireworks going off in girard right now... at least i think its them. and im supposed to be there taking pictures of them for lyssa. but i didnt feel like going by myself. usually its me and her and her family and grace and gracie if they can make it. maybe some other people. but yea... i kind of want to be there at the moment.

last week was an ok week. not really on sunday or monday. but tuesday brought it up. ryan had emily come over to surprise me. and boy was it a surprise! then we went and saw her mom whom i havent seen in the longest time!!! and after that we went to the moca house and met alex jon and jimmy there! which was also fantastic cuz i havent seen those three in forever also! then we went to best buy and then i came home. but it was a good day. thursday was also a great day cuz i went to amys and she informed me that gracie would be showing up for a little visit! so the three of us chatted and laughed for a while. then gracie had to leave. amy and i talked about stuff then started watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind... but we both fell asleep. woke up and finished watching it. sat there for like a half hour after it ended and just stared at the TV cuz its one amazing movie! then we just sat around and talked some more. then my mom picked me up. the end to my few good days.

its funny how things can change without explaination. people just change. one minute you think everything is fine... then the next minute its like you dont exist. mind boggling.

i can go on and on... but i dont feel like pouring my heart out anymore. at least not on here.

well...

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 00:10:47 GMT

i didnt do anything last night... and me and amy couldnt hang out today. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! im not in a good mood right now.

thinking.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 23:56:04 GMT

well at the moment im trying to think of something for me and zach to do.

but i cant really come up with anything good so ive come here to tell you about vacation/wedding.

VACATION!
well we got up there and didnt do anything cuz it was night already. so we just sat around and unpacked. saturday we went to the beach and then ryan came up. sat around for a while then went to the strip. sunday it was to cold to swim so we just sat around all day i believe. monday we went to the mall. tuesday grace came!!! WOO!!! we tried going swimming but that failed miserably cuz it was freezing. we went in and it took forever to finally get in. and after we were in... we had to get out cuz it was too cold. umm i think we went to the strip. played games and got sparklers. sat at a cafe and caught up on things. wednesday we sat around then me and her went to the mall. came back and ate food and played cards. we blew bubbles too! then we used up all 18 boxes of sparklers that we had. hahahaha WOO 4th of july!!! thursday we went to the beach and then out to dinner. then packed that night and me and grace blew bubbles and sat down on the deck until it started raining. friday we came home.

WEDDING
saturday we packed up the car and traveled to sandusky. went to my cousins wedding. beautiful church! the wedding was very nice. umm after that we had a little lunch type thing. then went back to our hotel and took naps. then went to the reception. very long reception i must say. haha umm went back to the hotel and slept. got up this morning and packed. then went to "downtown"... i think... sandusky. ate lunch with my aunt and uncle. then came home.

fun week and a half!

the end.

i cant wait for tomorrow!

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 03:02:34 GMT

ryan has something planned for tuesday and he wont tell me what it is... im kind of scared!

vacation was fun. tiring but fun! and grace came which made it even better!!!

im going to my cousins wedding tomorrow. coming back on sunday.

monday im hanging out with amy!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! i get to tell her all about how im just confused even more now!!! blah!

then tuesday... i have no idea whats happening.

but that is all... i should sleep now.

well...

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 22:30:42 GMT

i think this might be a depressing vacation. well until grace comes. i'll be alone with my thoughts... which isnt good. grace is going to come up to one mess of a person. i feel bad.

well... bye.

oh what a day!

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 04:55:49 GMT

well today started off as crap cuz i had to clean the house and it was so hot!

but then amy called me back and i got to talk to her and hear good news!!! but then she had to leave...

then grace called and i chatted with her for a while. i cant wait for the lake with that girl!!! YAY!!!!!!

then lyssa called and so i went out to the mall to meet up with her. almost got raped! haha joking. but ok i get out of my car and theres these people sitting in their car like a few up from me. and the one guy is like hey my dude in the back likes you. my response was "hahok!" and i walked away. and then i looked back and they had gotten out of the car and started walking. and so i like walked really fast and when i got inside i went into macys cuz i figured they wouldnt look in here. and then i frantically walked around the mall till i found lyssa. scary let me tell you!

went to like one store in the mall. left and went to borders. didnt spend long there cuz lyssa thought it closed at ten... but nooooooooo they close at 9! but i got what i was looking for.

left and got ice cream.

went to the depaul residence. hung out there for a little bit.

took lyssa home.

and came home.

a good day besides cleaning the house and being chased by scary people!

I've missed Amy very very much!!!

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 03:33:39 GMT

these past few days have been nice.

wednesday i got to hang out with joshie! got ice cream. went to IGA to find silly string but ended up buying clearenced marshmellows. drove over to liberty park and made wishes with the marshmellows. then went to his house and played imaginif. then took a short trip to lyssa's and sat in her drive way and talked for a little bit. then i took josh home again and then left.

thursday was boring until i met up with lyssa and her mom at khols. the end. it was just fun.

friday i went to a wedding rehearsal and took pictures. the end.

today... well first i went and did yard work. then i came home and started laundry and cooked dinner. then i went to steve's grad party. sat and ate all the candy! hahahaha and wrote stuff about 7th period camp! WOOT!!! me and amy left and went and got ice cream. after we finished i took her home. but we were in the middle of a deep conversation so we sat in her drive way for like 20 mins. to finish talking. I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!! shes an amazing friend and im so grateful that shes in my life!!! many more nights like this will happen!!! i just love that i can talk to her about anything and shes there listening and trying to help me in any way possible. shes wonderful!!! and we've settled on something is going to happen... because it has to! LOVE HER!!!

but yea... that has been my life.